10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship
10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship
1. Be predictable.
When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What's up? Why is he doing that? He's never done that before. That is so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. You get the picture? Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate.
Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do.
This doesn't mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be spontaneous consistently! Be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!
2. Inform your significant other when you become "unpredictable."
No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos.
Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/different/richer/deeper, but for heaven's sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, "I really don't know what is going on in me right now, but I'm moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!"
3. Make sure your words match the message.
Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying.
Here's a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, "How do I look?" (And she's wearing a dress you don't particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.)
Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say, "You look great." You don't really mean it and a part of her knows you really don't mean it. But, you leave it at that.
This might not seem like a big deal - we all have done something similar - but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even shakier now.
Here's how to match the words with the nonverbal: "I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.)
She's not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a need for affirmation. She's not talking about her dress or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You respond to the real message.
You can take this one step further, if you like. At some point you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her is there is anything you can say or do so that need is met.
Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!
4. Believe the other person is competent.
I hear this phrase very often: "But, I don't want to hurt him." A couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted perception that fits our personal needs.)
Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. She doesn't trust that the other person has the internal strength or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust and does what he does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence) to avoid the personal confrontation as well. A dance is acted out.
Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. "Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good! I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!"
5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets.
If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn't talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we can't trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person.
Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining.
Now, please. I'm not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge.
However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.
6. Let YOUR needs be known - loudly.
Be a little - no, be a lot - self-centered. (Be self-centered, but not selfish!)
Here's a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to "win him back." So she begins an all out effort to "work on the marriage." She invites him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to "be nice" and meet every need he ever said he had. She's going to "fill his tank with goodies."
Doesn't work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels "smothered" or maybe even resentful: "Why is she doing this NOW!" She's hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive - if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine - just doesn't work. It's perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn't say anything. After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so "nice and caring?"
Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties.
Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: "I need?x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?"
He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, "What about my needs?" You respond, "I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly."
Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted?
Didn't you respect that person?
Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn't that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?
7. State who YOU are - loudly.
It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment hold back from letting the other person know who they really are.
You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person.
This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to pull off. Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF. For one thing, if you're like most of us, you haven't given much thought to what it is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don't you feel like you glide through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external realities?
Don't you tend to focus on those things out there or that person out there? You're concerned about what he is thinking, how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life?
Your conversations may be pleasant but fairly superficial and bluntly, boringly inane. You converse about things/relationships/events out there. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a stand. This doesn't destroy trust. But it doesn't create it either.
And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often than not creates trust barriers.
Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What do you order your life around? What are the 4 top values in your life? What are some themes that you live by? What are you known for?
And then?begin letting significant people in your life know.
They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a person of character.
They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly what is behind and within you.
8. Learn to say NO!
Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO!
Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life.
You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don't stop, you demand they stop. If they don't stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment.
To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED.
Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear?
Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well?
9. Charge Neutral.
When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge neutral.
Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust and fear.
Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral.
Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don't speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and calmly.
You can do this, once you master your fears. It will dramatically change the flow of the relationship.
You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won't fly or fall apart.
You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. Don't people really trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and others?
Your partner will love the fact that she can trust you consistently to operate from your "quiet center," remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.
10. Dig into the dirt.
Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. They become the grist from which your life is shaped and formed.
Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward the frightening unknown. Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this can happen?
The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move you to where you really want to be.
Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self.
Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you and your significant other are to face.
Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other will be that much more easy.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
1. Be predictable.
When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What's up? Why is he doing that? He's never done that before. That is so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. You get the picture? Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate.
Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do.
This doesn't mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be spontaneous consistently! Be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!
2. Inform your significant other when you become "unpredictable."
No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos.
Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/different/richer/deeper, but for heaven's sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, "I really don't know what is going on in me right now, but I'm moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!"
3. Make sure your words match the message.
Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying.
Here's a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, "How do I look?" (And she's wearing a dress you don't particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.)
Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say, "You look great." You don't really mean it and a part of her knows you really don't mean it. But, you leave it at that.
This might not seem like a big deal - we all have done something similar - but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even shakier now.
Here's how to match the words with the nonverbal: "I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.)
She's not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a need for affirmation. She's not talking about her dress or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You respond to the real message.
You can take this one step further, if you like. At some point you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her is there is anything you can say or do so that need is met.
Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!
4. Believe the other person is competent.
I hear this phrase very often: "But, I don't want to hurt him." A couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted perception that fits our personal needs.)
Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. She doesn't trust that the other person has the internal strength or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust and does what he does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence) to avoid the personal confrontation as well. A dance is acted out.
Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. "Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good! I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!"
5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets.
If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn't talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we can't trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person.
Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining.
Now, please. I'm not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge.
However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.
6. Let YOUR needs be known - loudly.
Be a little - no, be a lot - self-centered. (Be self-centered, but not selfish!)
Here's a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to "win him back." So she begins an all out effort to "work on the marriage." She invites him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to "be nice" and meet every need he ever said he had. She's going to "fill his tank with goodies."
Doesn't work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels "smothered" or maybe even resentful: "Why is she doing this NOW!" She's hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive - if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine - just doesn't work. It's perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn't say anything. After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so "nice and caring?"
Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties.
Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: "I need?x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?"
He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, "What about my needs?" You respond, "I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly."
Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted?
Didn't you respect that person?
Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn't that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?
7. State who YOU are - loudly.
It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment hold back from letting the other person know who they really are.
You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person.
This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to pull off. Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF. For one thing, if you're like most of us, you haven't given much thought to what it is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don't you feel like you glide through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external realities?
Don't you tend to focus on those things out there or that person out there? You're concerned about what he is thinking, how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life?
Your conversations may be pleasant but fairly superficial and bluntly, boringly inane. You converse about things/relationships/events out there. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a stand. This doesn't destroy trust. But it doesn't create it either.
And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often than not creates trust barriers.
Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What do you order your life around? What are the 4 top values in your life? What are some themes that you live by? What are you known for?
And then?begin letting significant people in your life know.
They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a person of character.
They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly what is behind and within you.
8. Learn to say NO!
Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO!
Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life.
You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don't stop, you demand they stop. If they don't stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment.
To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED.
Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear?
Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well?
9. Charge Neutral.
When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge neutral.
Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust and fear.
Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral.
Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don't speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and calmly.
You can do this, once you master your fears. It will dramatically change the flow of the relationship.
You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won't fly or fall apart.
You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. Don't people really trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and others?
Your partner will love the fact that she can trust you consistently to operate from your "quiet center," remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.
10. Dig into the dirt.
Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. They become the grist from which your life is shaped and formed.
Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward the frightening unknown. Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this can happen?
The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move you to where you really want to be.
Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self.
Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you and your significant other are to face.
Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other will be that much more easy.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Infidelity: Spying is NOT Revenge
Infidelity: Spying is NOT Revenge
Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse as ammunition for revenge. Sure, you may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what you would really like to do to him/her and the other person. This is very normal. But, don't act them out.
Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person, lower your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive.
Resist the temptation to sling the mud!
Keep what you find to yourself.
The obvious signs of a cheating spouse disturbed you. You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest cleanest way to break free from the extramarital affair is to set your focus on you as you navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months.
The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input or influence, the better off you and the relationship will be.
There usually is no reason to share new found information about cheating husbands or cheating wives with family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so without much fanfare or drama.
And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information obtained through spying might be helpful to your attorney. Some "evidence" does carry weight in particular states or districts.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse as ammunition for revenge. Sure, you may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what you would really like to do to him/her and the other person. This is very normal. But, don't act them out.
Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person, lower your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive.
Resist the temptation to sling the mud!
Keep what you find to yourself.
The obvious signs of a cheating spouse disturbed you. You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest cleanest way to break free from the extramarital affair is to set your focus on you as you navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months.
The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input or influence, the better off you and the relationship will be.
There usually is no reason to share new found information about cheating husbands or cheating wives with family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so without much fanfare or drama.
And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information obtained through spying might be helpful to your attorney. Some "evidence" does carry weight in particular states or districts.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Cheating Spouse: Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?
Cheating Spouse: Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?
My, how the cheating spouse cries foul when he/she discovers you are spying.
Outrage can be intense: "How dare you!! I never thought you would stoop to that! How could you!? How can there be trust in this relationship if you do that? This is none of your business; I don't spy and go behind your back! Now you know why I want to pull away from you. How could I love anyone that would do something like that to me?" On and on. Cheating husbands and cheating wives usually will not admit the duplicity of their clandestine behavior. But you are made out to be the villain if you use detective work to discover the truth. It doesn't make sense, but then again not much about infidelity borders close to sanity.
Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying the integrity of a relationship through spying? No, of course not. The integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the extramarital affair. The affair shattered the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you made.
You saw clearly the signs of a cheating spouse. The affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its protective boundaries. The marital infidelity broke the contract of the marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception.
Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. It's intent is to find the truth. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage and enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
My, how the cheating spouse cries foul when he/she discovers you are spying.
Outrage can be intense: "How dare you!! I never thought you would stoop to that! How could you!? How can there be trust in this relationship if you do that? This is none of your business; I don't spy and go behind your back! Now you know why I want to pull away from you. How could I love anyone that would do something like that to me?" On and on. Cheating husbands and cheating wives usually will not admit the duplicity of their clandestine behavior. But you are made out to be the villain if you use detective work to discover the truth. It doesn't make sense, but then again not much about infidelity borders close to sanity.
Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying the integrity of a relationship through spying? No, of course not. The integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the extramarital affair. The affair shattered the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you made.
You saw clearly the signs of a cheating spouse. The affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its protective boundaries. The marital infidelity broke the contract of the marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception.
Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. It's intent is to find the truth. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage and enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Cheating Husband/Wife: 6 Keys to Know if You are Ready to Handle What You Might Find When You Spy
Cheating Husband/Wife: 6 Keys to Know if You are Ready to Handle What You Might Find When You Spy
When you spy on your suspected cheating spouse, please make sure you consider all the possibilities you might encounter and whether you can handle them.
Have you considered the many situations that spying might uncover? Can you imagine the worst thing you might find? Predict what your response will be to the worst-case scenario. Are you ready? Here are some specific questions to ask:
1) Do I have friends I can count on for support if I discover the worst? Do they know I might need them? Have I told them exactly how they might help me? Do I have the capacity to stand back from the deep emotions and not get mired or lost in destructive thoughts and feelings?
2) How have I handled emotional pain in the past? What if it gets almost unbearable? If I encounter the worst possible emotional hurt and pain, do I have a therapist I can contact immediately and see soon to help me through the rough spots?
3) You see the signs of a cheating spouse. What will be my strategy for what I find? Do I have a strategy for the different scenarios? Do I have a strategy to confront or not confront my spouse? How, when and under what circumstances will I confront him/her?
4) What kind of strategy will I have for self-care? What will I need to do to keep myself functioning somewhat effectively?
5) Do I have a coach or an objective someone who knows about cheating husbands and cheating wives and who can help me develop strategies and goals for confrontation and self-care? Someone to keep me focused and working on these strategies and goals?
6) Do I know what kind of affair I might face? Do I know the prognosis for that kind of affair? Have I educated myself about affairs and what I must do to effectively resolve and move through this crisis?
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
When you spy on your suspected cheating spouse, please make sure you consider all the possibilities you might encounter and whether you can handle them.
Have you considered the many situations that spying might uncover? Can you imagine the worst thing you might find? Predict what your response will be to the worst-case scenario. Are you ready? Here are some specific questions to ask:
1) Do I have friends I can count on for support if I discover the worst? Do they know I might need them? Have I told them exactly how they might help me? Do I have the capacity to stand back from the deep emotions and not get mired or lost in destructive thoughts and feelings?
2) How have I handled emotional pain in the past? What if it gets almost unbearable? If I encounter the worst possible emotional hurt and pain, do I have a therapist I can contact immediately and see soon to help me through the rough spots?
3) You see the signs of a cheating spouse. What will be my strategy for what I find? Do I have a strategy for the different scenarios? Do I have a strategy to confront or not confront my spouse? How, when and under what circumstances will I confront him/her?
4) What kind of strategy will I have for self-care? What will I need to do to keep myself functioning somewhat effectively?
5) Do I have a coach or an objective someone who knows about cheating husbands and cheating wives and who can help me develop strategies and goals for confrontation and self-care? Someone to keep me focused and working on these strategies and goals?
6) Do I know what kind of affair I might face? Do I know the prognosis for that kind of affair? Have I educated myself about affairs and what I must do to effectively resolve and move through this crisis?
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Cheating Spouse: 7 Legitimate Motives for Spying
Cheating Spouse: 7 Legitimate Motives for Spying
Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You believe you see signs of a cheating spouse. The need to know whether your spouse is cheating and EXACTLY what kind of cheating is taking place is often strong. There are a number of reasons why the drive to spy is powerful. Here are seven:
1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself. Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you confronted your cheating husband or cheating wife and it was met with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this doesn't fit! I don't believe it!
To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil.
If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath and at least know that you can trust yourself. You are NOT CRAZY!
Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings.
2. Spying on cheating husbands or cheating wives often helps the person feel connected to the partner who seems to be steadily moving away. It is a way of maintaining contact and having some sort of connection to this stranger who once was well known.
Isn't it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway to maintain the ties.
3. Spying on a cheating spouse may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the relationship. You want to know the truth. You sense something does not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait.
You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life.
You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.
4. Cheating husbands or cheating wives often, unfortunately, lead to the demise of marital relationships. If you strongly suspect this to be true for your situation you will want to protect yourself legally. If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other forms of deception may exist financially or in other areas of the relationship. Having "evidence" does have some impact in some court systems. Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of affair facing you and the character of your spouse. Please read through my "7 Reasons For an Affair" to determine the situation that faces you. If your spouse is someone who can't say no, doesn't want to say no or is acting out rage, please make sure to take protective steps.
5. You may want to protect yourself medically if you suspect you have a cheating husband or wife. You might be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to know.
Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your relationship.
6. Seeing signs of a cheating spouse often mean secrets. Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a secret has a powerful impact. It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it IS there. Emotionally, you can't miss it. Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things. Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry the emotional load. You want to spy because you don't want to live with a secret. You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive life.
7. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline based lives are a hallmark of our society. We get juiced or pumped up entering into emotional relational triangles that offer intrigue. Without adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps an unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy on your cheating spouse to keep the sense of being alive a part of your life.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You believe you see signs of a cheating spouse. The need to know whether your spouse is cheating and EXACTLY what kind of cheating is taking place is often strong. There are a number of reasons why the drive to spy is powerful. Here are seven:
1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself. Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you confronted your cheating husband or cheating wife and it was met with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this doesn't fit! I don't believe it!
To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil.
If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath and at least know that you can trust yourself. You are NOT CRAZY!
Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings.
2. Spying on cheating husbands or cheating wives often helps the person feel connected to the partner who seems to be steadily moving away. It is a way of maintaining contact and having some sort of connection to this stranger who once was well known.
Isn't it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway to maintain the ties.
3. Spying on a cheating spouse may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the relationship. You want to know the truth. You sense something does not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait.
You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life.
You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.
4. Cheating husbands or cheating wives often, unfortunately, lead to the demise of marital relationships. If you strongly suspect this to be true for your situation you will want to protect yourself legally. If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other forms of deception may exist financially or in other areas of the relationship. Having "evidence" does have some impact in some court systems. Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of affair facing you and the character of your spouse. Please read through my "7 Reasons For an Affair" to determine the situation that faces you. If your spouse is someone who can't say no, doesn't want to say no or is acting out rage, please make sure to take protective steps.
5. You may want to protect yourself medically if you suspect you have a cheating husband or wife. You might be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to know.
Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your relationship.
6. Seeing signs of a cheating spouse often mean secrets. Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a secret has a powerful impact. It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it IS there. Emotionally, you can't miss it. Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things. Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry the emotional load. You want to spy because you don't want to live with a secret. You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive life.
7. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline based lives are a hallmark of our society. We get juiced or pumped up entering into emotional relational triangles that offer intrigue. Without adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps an unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy on your cheating spouse to keep the sense of being alive a part of your life.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair
Some of these signs of a cheating spouse are "tongue in cheek" while others are tell tale signs that commonly appear with a cheating husband or cheating wife. There is no copyright. Feel free to forward to those who might be interested. But please don't change anything.
Signs of a Cheating Spouse:
1) You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you've had a vasectomy.
2) Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.)
3) Your cheating husband or wife stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.
4) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you about it.
5) He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard.
6) She joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program.
7) She buys a cell phone and doesn't let you know.
8) He sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to his office.
9) The cheating husband carries condoms, and you are on the pill.
10) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.
11) Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.
12) He becomes "accusatory," asking if you are being true to him, usually out of guilt.
13) Raises hypothetical questions such as, "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?"
14) He buys himself new underwear.
15) He insists the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.
16) The cheating wife stops wearing her wedding ring.
17) Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.
18) Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.
19) Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.
20) He/she fairly suddenly stops having sex with you.
21) He/she suddenly wants more sex, more often.
22) Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub.
23) Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.
24) You find out by accident he or she took vacation day or personal time off from work - but supposedly worked on those days.
25) Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.
26) Spouse's co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence.
27) Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.
28) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.
29) He throws up a lot because he just ate at his mistress's house and had to eat the dinner you prepared when he got home.
30) Your spouse is away from home, either nights or on trips, more than previously.
31) His/her clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave. You see lipstick on your husband's shirt.
32) The amount of money being deposited into your checking account drops off.
33) You find items of intimate apparel or other small gift-type items that you did not give your spouse.
34) Your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is "touchy" and easily moved to anger.
35) You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your voice.
36) He/she loses attention in the activities in the home.
37) Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right.
38) He/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home.
39) She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.
40) She has a "glow" about her.
41) Atypical erratic behavior.
42) He sneaks out of the house.
43) She sleeps with her purse by the bed.
44) She goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later.
45) He tells you that you can get hold of him at a different telephone number.
46) The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Some of these signs of a cheating spouse are "tongue in cheek" while others are tell tale signs that commonly appear with a cheating husband or cheating wife. There is no copyright. Feel free to forward to those who might be interested. But please don't change anything.
Signs of a Cheating Spouse:
1) You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you've had a vasectomy.
2) Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.)
3) Your cheating husband or wife stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.
4) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you about it.
5) He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard.
6) She joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program.
7) She buys a cell phone and doesn't let you know.
8) He sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to his office.
9) The cheating husband carries condoms, and you are on the pill.
10) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.
11) Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.
12) He becomes "accusatory," asking if you are being true to him, usually out of guilt.
13) Raises hypothetical questions such as, "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?"
14) He buys himself new underwear.
15) He insists the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.
16) The cheating wife stops wearing her wedding ring.
17) Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.
18) Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.
19) Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.
20) He/she fairly suddenly stops having sex with you.
21) He/she suddenly wants more sex, more often.
22) Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub.
23) Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.
24) You find out by accident he or she took vacation day or personal time off from work - but supposedly worked on those days.
25) Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.
26) Spouse's co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence.
27) Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.
28) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.
29) He throws up a lot because he just ate at his mistress's house and had to eat the dinner you prepared when he got home.
30) Your spouse is away from home, either nights or on trips, more than previously.
31) His/her clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave. You see lipstick on your husband's shirt.
32) The amount of money being deposited into your checking account drops off.
33) You find items of intimate apparel or other small gift-type items that you did not give your spouse.
34) Your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is "touchy" and easily moved to anger.
35) You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your voice.
36) He/she loses attention in the activities in the home.
37) Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right.
38) He/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home.
39) She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.
40) She has a "glow" about her.
41) Atypical erratic behavior.
42) He sneaks out of the house.
43) She sleeps with her purse by the bed.
44) She goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later.
45) He tells you that you can get hold of him at a different telephone number.
46) The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help
Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help
Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.
That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.
The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.
Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.
It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.
It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.
It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.
Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.
Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.
Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."
An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.
Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.
The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.
The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 - 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially.
The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.
How can you help?
Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:
1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.
2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever.
3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.
4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.
5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.
6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.
7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.
8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.
9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.
10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.
Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity - to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.
That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.
The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.
Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.
It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.
It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.
It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.
Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.
Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.
Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."
An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.
Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.
The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.
The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 - 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially.
The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered - of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.
How can you help?
Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:
1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.
2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever.
3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.
4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.
5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.
6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.
7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.
8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.
9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.
10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.
Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity - to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Dont Avoid Conflict and Confrontation with Your Spouse
Dont Avoid Conflict and Confrontation with Your Spouse
"I just let him handle things his way."
"We're not very good at resolving problems, so I let it
go."
"I just hate confrontation!"
Listening, talking, communicating, resolving problems,
making joint decisions... these are requirements for all
couples. Without good communication skills and quality time
dedicated to communicating, relationships soon flounder and
fail, especially among couples with the stress of two
careers and a full family life.
Many couples don't talk because they are avoiding conflict
and confrontation. There is a common misconception that
conflict and confrontation are bad. One of the major reasons
couples have problems is their failure to confront issues
head-on. They may fight openly or quietly seethe, but they
have a terrible time confronting the real conflict
respectfully and honestly. It's as if confrontation and
conflict are impolite. However, conflict and confrontation
are natural and healthy components of any relationship. You
are neither bad nor wrong for causing a conflict or
identifying one. Conflict is an opportunity to open up
communication on a difficult subject.
Do not fear conflict and confrontation. Avoiding conflict is
not the goal. Rather you want to develop the tools to "lean
into" conflicts and resolve them early on, so that you can
reorganize your lives to include the new learning. Because
married couples have a lot at stake when it comes to their
relationship, they are prone to avoid conflict or to use
ineffective tools to solve the conflict too quickly.
Compromising and acquiescing are two of these ineffective
tools.
Most couples are shocked when I advise them to avoid
compromises at all costs. After all, isn't compromise a
requirement of partnership? The reality is that decisions
that are arrived at through compromise usually lack
creativity and seldom last. Sure, a compromise now and then
may be necessary for the sake of expediency, but if a
decision is important, a compromise may cause anger and
resistance. Because compromises are usually a result of both
people giving up something in order to get an agreement, the
decision is a watered-down version of two stronger opinions.
Compromise is the easy way out when you are trying to avoid
conflict and confrontation. It appears that the compromise
will smooth ruffled feathers and that both partners can go
away happy. What really happens, however, is that each
partner leaves feeling as though they have been had. One
person may resent having to compromise and will be looking
for ammunition to prove that the decision was a bad one.
Another person may feel he or she has done the honorable
thing by not pushing his or her opinion on the other, only
to feel unappreciated later when the compromise plan is
dropped. If you stop and think about it, how long have your
compromise decisions really lasted?
Acquiescing or forcing your opinion upon your partner are
other ways of avoiding conflict. In seeking to avoid
conflict, for example, a persuasive person may push his or
her partner to acquiesce to a certain point of view, but
this does not mean that the partner agrees. It may mean only
that the partner actually does not want to fight and so
appears to agree, when he or she has only given in. Don't
make the mistake of pushing to win at all costs or to
acquiescing to the persuader, when you don't agree. In
either case, if you are the persuader or the acquiescent
partner, the conflict has not been resolved and, what's
worse, may have been driven underground.
If you don't make time to talk, if you don't consider
nurturing your personal relationship as important, and if
you avoid healthy conflict and confrontation, your
relationship will disintegrate. So take the time now to
evaluate your communication skills. Invest in the time to
develop a meaningful, loving relationship with your spouse.
Copyright © 2000 Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.
Dr. Kathy Marshack, is a licensed psychologist with over thirty years of experience as a marriage & family therapist. Visit her website at www.kmarshack.com for more of her practical self-help advice.
"I just let him handle things his way."
"We're not very good at resolving problems, so I let it
go."
"I just hate confrontation!"
Listening, talking, communicating, resolving problems,
making joint decisions... these are requirements for all
couples. Without good communication skills and quality time
dedicated to communicating, relationships soon flounder and
fail, especially among couples with the stress of two
careers and a full family life.
Many couples don't talk because they are avoiding conflict
and confrontation. There is a common misconception that
conflict and confrontation are bad. One of the major reasons
couples have problems is their failure to confront issues
head-on. They may fight openly or quietly seethe, but they
have a terrible time confronting the real conflict
respectfully and honestly. It's as if confrontation and
conflict are impolite. However, conflict and confrontation
are natural and healthy components of any relationship. You
are neither bad nor wrong for causing a conflict or
identifying one. Conflict is an opportunity to open up
communication on a difficult subject.
Do not fear conflict and confrontation. Avoiding conflict is
not the goal. Rather you want to develop the tools to "lean
into" conflicts and resolve them early on, so that you can
reorganize your lives to include the new learning. Because
married couples have a lot at stake when it comes to their
relationship, they are prone to avoid conflict or to use
ineffective tools to solve the conflict too quickly.
Compromising and acquiescing are two of these ineffective
tools.
Most couples are shocked when I advise them to avoid
compromises at all costs. After all, isn't compromise a
requirement of partnership? The reality is that decisions
that are arrived at through compromise usually lack
creativity and seldom last. Sure, a compromise now and then
may be necessary for the sake of expediency, but if a
decision is important, a compromise may cause anger and
resistance. Because compromises are usually a result of both
people giving up something in order to get an agreement, the
decision is a watered-down version of two stronger opinions.
Compromise is the easy way out when you are trying to avoid
conflict and confrontation. It appears that the compromise
will smooth ruffled feathers and that both partners can go
away happy. What really happens, however, is that each
partner leaves feeling as though they have been had. One
person may resent having to compromise and will be looking
for ammunition to prove that the decision was a bad one.
Another person may feel he or she has done the honorable
thing by not pushing his or her opinion on the other, only
to feel unappreciated later when the compromise plan is
dropped. If you stop and think about it, how long have your
compromise decisions really lasted?
Acquiescing or forcing your opinion upon your partner are
other ways of avoiding conflict. In seeking to avoid
conflict, for example, a persuasive person may push his or
her partner to acquiesce to a certain point of view, but
this does not mean that the partner agrees. It may mean only
that the partner actually does not want to fight and so
appears to agree, when he or she has only given in. Don't
make the mistake of pushing to win at all costs or to
acquiescing to the persuader, when you don't agree. In
either case, if you are the persuader or the acquiescent
partner, the conflict has not been resolved and, what's
worse, may have been driven underground.
If you don't make time to talk, if you don't consider
nurturing your personal relationship as important, and if
you avoid healthy conflict and confrontation, your
relationship will disintegrate. So take the time now to
evaluate your communication skills. Invest in the time to
develop a meaningful, loving relationship with your spouse.
Copyright © 2000 Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.
Dr. Kathy Marshack, is a licensed psychologist with over thirty years of experience as a marriage & family therapist. Visit her website at www.kmarshack.com for more of her practical self-help advice.
Get Lucky In Your Love Life
Get Lucky In Your Love Life
Whether you are single or married, we all need luck in relationship and romance. It could be for getting a lifetime soul mate or to strengthen you relationship with your current spouse.
According to Chinese Feng Shui, the romance corner is at the Southwest corner of your home and this corner belongs to the earth element. Therefore, placing earth element object such as crystals in this corner can enhance your romance luck. A solid rose quartz crystal ball is a good option since this stone (rose quartz) teaches us to love ourselves thus opening us to universal love. Another option is the clear quartz crystal ball, which is the natural crystal point. When combined with other stones, clear quartz is able to enhance the energy of other stones. Its transparent outlook fits easily as a decorating item into any living room.
Besides crystals, a pair of mandarin ducks can enhance the romance luck for the occupants of the house too (One is bad. Remember to get one pair!). If you don't want to go through the hassle of buying a pond and feeding the ducks, wood/bronze/jade/crystal carved statues or a painting of mandarin ducks will also do the trick. They are interesting home decor for your home. A painting of peonies (Chinese flowers than represents love) will bring the same effect too.
Michele Lum (michele@ideastoenhancehome.com) is the founder and CEO of Ideas To Enhance Home, a site where you can get free tips and ideas on how to enhance your home for better life in health, business, romance, children and security just by placing interesting home decors and setting up simple systems.
Sign up for a FREE subscription to tips and ideas on how to enhance your home by visiting www.IdeasToEnhanceHome.com
Whether you are single or married, we all need luck in relationship and romance. It could be for getting a lifetime soul mate or to strengthen you relationship with your current spouse.
According to Chinese Feng Shui, the romance corner is at the Southwest corner of your home and this corner belongs to the earth element. Therefore, placing earth element object such as crystals in this corner can enhance your romance luck. A solid rose quartz crystal ball is a good option since this stone (rose quartz) teaches us to love ourselves thus opening us to universal love. Another option is the clear quartz crystal ball, which is the natural crystal point. When combined with other stones, clear quartz is able to enhance the energy of other stones. Its transparent outlook fits easily as a decorating item into any living room.
Besides crystals, a pair of mandarin ducks can enhance the romance luck for the occupants of the house too (One is bad. Remember to get one pair!). If you don't want to go through the hassle of buying a pond and feeding the ducks, wood/bronze/jade/crystal carved statues or a painting of mandarin ducks will also do the trick. They are interesting home decor for your home. A painting of peonies (Chinese flowers than represents love) will bring the same effect too.
Michele Lum (michele@ideastoenhancehome.com) is the founder and CEO of Ideas To Enhance Home, a site where you can get free tips and ideas on how to enhance your home for better life in health, business, romance, children and security just by placing interesting home decors and setting up simple systems.
Sign up for a FREE subscription to tips and ideas on how to enhance your home by visiting www.IdeasToEnhanceHome.com
The Flames of Love
The Flames of Love
Suppose you have everything; a good job, good health, good reputation, good relationships and lot of money to spend. But still there is something missing from your life. Guess what? The LOVE. It is not something which you should ignore. Life without love is just like body without soul.
Love gives meaning to life as without love life is meaningless. Lucky is the person who gets love and keeps the flames of love burning for ever. It is not a matter of days or months. Love is for life and life is for love.
Short term love encounters are not helpful at all. Be sincere with your body and soul. Indulge in serious life long loving relationship and live a healthy, happy and joyful life.
It is easy to fell in love but difficult to keep the flames of love burning. Before indulging in serious long term love relationships be sure that the person you love is also sincere with you. A selfish person can make your life miserable. If this is the case with you then try to get rid of that person as soon as possible.
Most people do not give importance to their love life as they give importance to their professional life. In most cases, people sacrifice their love life at the cost of their profession. This is a bad choice which ruins the whole life. A sensible balance between the two is necessary in order to enjoy life in its entirety. Do not deprive yourself of the love you need.
People part their ways after living together for years and years. Though this looks strange but is the obvious result of ignoring the genuine complaints and grievances of the other. Sometimes a sincere apology, gentle touch, or a friendly kiss is enough to put your love life on track. However, when deep differences develop between the two then professional consultation is necessary. Do everything to bring back love to your life, if it is lost.
In order to make the journey of life more exciting and enjoyable, you need a loving and caring person with whom you can share your values, dreams, fantasies, joys and jokes. In difficult times of anxiety, sorrow, distress or loss of near and dear ones this person should stand firm besides you and console you in every possible manner.
Love your life and love the person who is in your life. Keep the flames of love burning to live a great, great love life.
Discuss this article with your loved one and carefully listen what he/she says. This can give you a clue of his/her inner sentiments and the depth of love for you. Also avail this opportunity to renew your love life with a new passion and commitment.
Hifzur Rehman is an author and editor of his website: http://www.selfimprovement.ch This website provides FREE tools, information and articles on personal growth, education, health & fitness, beauty & skin care, money, travel & leisure and information technology.
Hifzur Rehman (c) 2004 - All Rights Reserved.
Suppose you have everything; a good job, good health, good reputation, good relationships and lot of money to spend. But still there is something missing from your life. Guess what? The LOVE. It is not something which you should ignore. Life without love is just like body without soul.
Love gives meaning to life as without love life is meaningless. Lucky is the person who gets love and keeps the flames of love burning for ever. It is not a matter of days or months. Love is for life and life is for love.
Short term love encounters are not helpful at all. Be sincere with your body and soul. Indulge in serious life long loving relationship and live a healthy, happy and joyful life.
It is easy to fell in love but difficult to keep the flames of love burning. Before indulging in serious long term love relationships be sure that the person you love is also sincere with you. A selfish person can make your life miserable. If this is the case with you then try to get rid of that person as soon as possible.
Most people do not give importance to their love life as they give importance to their professional life. In most cases, people sacrifice their love life at the cost of their profession. This is a bad choice which ruins the whole life. A sensible balance between the two is necessary in order to enjoy life in its entirety. Do not deprive yourself of the love you need.
People part their ways after living together for years and years. Though this looks strange but is the obvious result of ignoring the genuine complaints and grievances of the other. Sometimes a sincere apology, gentle touch, or a friendly kiss is enough to put your love life on track. However, when deep differences develop between the two then professional consultation is necessary. Do everything to bring back love to your life, if it is lost.
In order to make the journey of life more exciting and enjoyable, you need a loving and caring person with whom you can share your values, dreams, fantasies, joys and jokes. In difficult times of anxiety, sorrow, distress or loss of near and dear ones this person should stand firm besides you and console you in every possible manner.
Love your life and love the person who is in your life. Keep the flames of love burning to live a great, great love life.
Discuss this article with your loved one and carefully listen what he/she says. This can give you a clue of his/her inner sentiments and the depth of love for you. Also avail this opportunity to renew your love life with a new passion and commitment.
Hifzur Rehman is an author and editor of his website: http://www.selfimprovement.ch This website provides FREE tools, information and articles on personal growth, education, health & fitness, beauty & skin care, money, travel & leisure and information technology.
Hifzur Rehman (c) 2004 - All Rights Reserved.
Better Than Help
Better Than Help
One thing that women in abusive relationships and their family and friends frequently request is 'help'; help to change the situation. While I understand, and can relate only too well, to their sentiment, the term 'help' makes me feel uncomfortable.
Perhaps I can clarify what I mean with an example. A woman I know believes she has found her big idea and her mission. She is constantly looking for people to 'help' her to realise her dream. (She doesn't feel that she can take charge of realising her dream herself.) So people constantly find her who promise help, but first expect her to help them - generally by paying significant sums of money towards some ill defined scheme of theirs; in very short order.
The problem with 'help' is when it is a cover for dependence. By 'help' we mean someone who will take at least partial responsibility for what we want to do. We look for this 'help', or powerful intervention, when we doubt our own adequacy.
Freeing yourself from an abusive relationship is no small matter. But looking for 'help' to do it, can lead to further disappointment. Unless you are clear about precisely what you mean and the limits of what you can expect, you may feel that what is out there is rather less than you were wishing for.
First off, any woman will need practical advice, about how to manage leaving the relationship. It is well worth becoming familiar with the information available through domestic violence organisations, like www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/domesticviolence.html.
Then, they will need practical support of the kind provided by a Refuge or Domestic Violence Support Group.
They will also need understanding of the trauma they have been through and the effect that it has had on them. They will need to understand that the very low opinion they have of themselves is all part of the trauma and can be reversed. An understanding of the mechanics of abuse is available through Domestic Violence Support groups and books such as Sandra Horley's 'The Charm Factor' and Robin Norwood's 'Women Who Love Too Much'.
They will need to internalise how this applies to them. This tends to be a longer process, requiring in depth work with someone with an understanding of this particular field, someone who specialises in working with survivors of abusive relationships.
Finally, they need to learn how to recreate their faith in, and love for, themselves. They have to build a strong foundation of self-worth and self-trust. This may sound like the hardest part of all, but it doesn't have to be. Once they have access to the appropriate tools, making the shift from hopelessness to self-realisation and positiveness becomes almost effortless.
Annie Kaszina
Joyful Coaching
An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in helping women who have survived abusive relationships heal relationship pain so they can reach their full emotional and personal stature.
Email:annie@joyfulcoaching.com Websites: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com, http://www.anniekaszina.com To order Annie's eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be', or subscribe to Annie's free, twice monthly ezine, go to: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com
One thing that women in abusive relationships and their family and friends frequently request is 'help'; help to change the situation. While I understand, and can relate only too well, to their sentiment, the term 'help' makes me feel uncomfortable.
Perhaps I can clarify what I mean with an example. A woman I know believes she has found her big idea and her mission. She is constantly looking for people to 'help' her to realise her dream. (She doesn't feel that she can take charge of realising her dream herself.) So people constantly find her who promise help, but first expect her to help them - generally by paying significant sums of money towards some ill defined scheme of theirs; in very short order.
The problem with 'help' is when it is a cover for dependence. By 'help' we mean someone who will take at least partial responsibility for what we want to do. We look for this 'help', or powerful intervention, when we doubt our own adequacy.
Freeing yourself from an abusive relationship is no small matter. But looking for 'help' to do it, can lead to further disappointment. Unless you are clear about precisely what you mean and the limits of what you can expect, you may feel that what is out there is rather less than you were wishing for.
First off, any woman will need practical advice, about how to manage leaving the relationship. It is well worth becoming familiar with the information available through domestic violence organisations, like www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/domesticviolence.html.
Then, they will need practical support of the kind provided by a Refuge or Domestic Violence Support Group.
They will also need understanding of the trauma they have been through and the effect that it has had on them. They will need to understand that the very low opinion they have of themselves is all part of the trauma and can be reversed. An understanding of the mechanics of abuse is available through Domestic Violence Support groups and books such as Sandra Horley's 'The Charm Factor' and Robin Norwood's 'Women Who Love Too Much'.
They will need to internalise how this applies to them. This tends to be a longer process, requiring in depth work with someone with an understanding of this particular field, someone who specialises in working with survivors of abusive relationships.
Finally, they need to learn how to recreate their faith in, and love for, themselves. They have to build a strong foundation of self-worth and self-trust. This may sound like the hardest part of all, but it doesn't have to be. Once they have access to the appropriate tools, making the shift from hopelessness to self-realisation and positiveness becomes almost effortless.
Annie Kaszina
Joyful Coaching
An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in helping women who have survived abusive relationships heal relationship pain so they can reach their full emotional and personal stature.
Email:annie@joyfulcoaching.com Websites: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com, http://www.anniekaszina.com To order Annie's eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be', or subscribe to Annie's free, twice monthly ezine, go to: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com
Do Men Just Want Mommy?
Do Men Just Want Mommy?
Accomplished women are losers in romance claims NY Times columnist Maureen Dowd in her column titled "Men Just Want Mommy." She says powerful men want to marry women who are caretakers like secretaries, assistants, nannies, flight attendants, etc. Are powerful women really at a disadvantage in the marriage market?
A University of Michigan study found that men prefer to marry women in subordinate jobs than womem who are supervisors. Another study by British researchers suggests that successful men would rather have traditional wives, more like their mothers. They also reported that the higher a woman's IQ, the less chance she has to marry.
Dowd wonders does this mean "the more women achieve, the less desirable they are?" Despite the somewhat alarming conclusions we might draw from these trends, the answer is a resounding NO!
Accomplished women can be winners in romance, but they have to set their sights on a different kind of man. The worst partner a powerful, ambitious woman can choose is a man who is just as powerful and driven as she is. High-powered men are smart to marry women who will support them, not compete with them.
Successful women today need to discover that men who are willing to play a more supporting role make perfect partners for them. It's tough for most men to accept a woman who is more successful than they are, but not all men feel that way. More men than you think would be happy to be the head cheerleader for a powerful woman.
The thing that keeps powerful women miserable in relationships is our own outdated beliefs. We've all been conditioned to want a husband who's rich and successful. However, as Gloria Steinem said, "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
If we continue to think that we should have an equally high-powered man for a partner, we are setting ourselves up for failure. Put together two strong personalities who both like being in charge and you have a recipe for relationship ruin.
It took 30 years and 3 divorces before I discovered the truth about this for myself. Now I am happily married at last to a man who supports me and is proud of my accomplishments. He is happy to let me be the leader at home as well as at work. He does all the housework, too! So what if he earns less.
The only difficult part for me was accepting the fact that he likes me to be in control. And that he is no less of a man because of it. With that acceptance I have settled comfortably into the best and longest relationship of my life.
As more women out-earn their men the woman led marriage will become more common. That's why my husband and I are coming out of the closet about our relationship. Powerful women need a different kind of partner and a different kind of relationship to be happy. Rid yourself of those old stereotyped beliefs and learn how to pick the right kind of man. Accomplished women can be winners in work AND in love.
Barbara Wright Abernathy Author of Venus On Top: Women Who Are Born to Lead and the Men Who Love Them. Read FREE chapters and get your FREE report-3 Biggest Mistakes People Make While Dating at http://www.VenusOnTop.com
Accomplished women are losers in romance claims NY Times columnist Maureen Dowd in her column titled "Men Just Want Mommy." She says powerful men want to marry women who are caretakers like secretaries, assistants, nannies, flight attendants, etc. Are powerful women really at a disadvantage in the marriage market?
A University of Michigan study found that men prefer to marry women in subordinate jobs than womem who are supervisors. Another study by British researchers suggests that successful men would rather have traditional wives, more like their mothers. They also reported that the higher a woman's IQ, the less chance she has to marry.
Dowd wonders does this mean "the more women achieve, the less desirable they are?" Despite the somewhat alarming conclusions we might draw from these trends, the answer is a resounding NO!
Accomplished women can be winners in romance, but they have to set their sights on a different kind of man. The worst partner a powerful, ambitious woman can choose is a man who is just as powerful and driven as she is. High-powered men are smart to marry women who will support them, not compete with them.
Successful women today need to discover that men who are willing to play a more supporting role make perfect partners for them. It's tough for most men to accept a woman who is more successful than they are, but not all men feel that way. More men than you think would be happy to be the head cheerleader for a powerful woman.
The thing that keeps powerful women miserable in relationships is our own outdated beliefs. We've all been conditioned to want a husband who's rich and successful. However, as Gloria Steinem said, "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
If we continue to think that we should have an equally high-powered man for a partner, we are setting ourselves up for failure. Put together two strong personalities who both like being in charge and you have a recipe for relationship ruin.
It took 30 years and 3 divorces before I discovered the truth about this for myself. Now I am happily married at last to a man who supports me and is proud of my accomplishments. He is happy to let me be the leader at home as well as at work. He does all the housework, too! So what if he earns less.
The only difficult part for me was accepting the fact that he likes me to be in control. And that he is no less of a man because of it. With that acceptance I have settled comfortably into the best and longest relationship of my life.
As more women out-earn their men the woman led marriage will become more common. That's why my husband and I are coming out of the closet about our relationship. Powerful women need a different kind of partner and a different kind of relationship to be happy. Rid yourself of those old stereotyped beliefs and learn how to pick the right kind of man. Accomplished women can be winners in work AND in love.
Barbara Wright Abernathy Author of Venus On Top: Women Who Are Born to Lead and the Men Who Love Them. Read FREE chapters and get your FREE report-3 Biggest Mistakes People Make While Dating at http://www.VenusOnTop.com
Washroom Break
Washroom Break
Picture yourself at a bar with some of your buddies. Everybody is having a good time. Suddenly your friend stands up and asks you to go to the washroom with them.
Now if you were a female this would be totally normal you would gladly accept and probably talk up a storm in the washroom. But if you were a man being asked by another man you would feel embarrassed, wonder about your friends' sexuality and manlyhood and hope that the rest of the group doesn't think the same about you.
Why do woman use the washroom as a meeting place? Why do men always go to washroom alone? In the past when times where a bit simpler but more dangerous woman would never go to the washroom by themselves in fear of being attacked by a wild animal. Instead they would go out in packs so this way they could protect each other from possible threats. Therefore that is why they go to the washroom together as it is natural instinct.
On the other hand the man being the hunter and protector of the group would always go to the washroom by himself. Therefore asking another man to go to the washroom will make him look weak and unable to defend himself like one of the ladies. Although I'm sure a lot of woman can defend themselves better.
So what do woman talk about in the washroom. They pretty much talk about anything and anybody. They discuss which men they like and which men they don't, and any personal problems they are having or their friends. Therapy to anybody who looks's upset and cosmetics talk to any stranger who asks.
Men on the other hand don't talk to anybody. This is pretty much a universal unwritten rule. The further away they are from other men the better. Let's say there are a few urinal's the first man will choose the one at the end. Now the second man will choose the other one at the end. Never would you see a man pick one right beside another man when there are other ones further away.
Also most likely a man will take an enclosed toilet before he has to pee beside another man. One thing that men don't have a problem doing is farting, usually the louder and longer the better. For the ladies no farting is aloud. This once again brings us back to instincts for the men; the louder and stronger the better.
By: Andre Leblanc
Read more articles on relationship, sex and more at http://www.datingsas.com
You may use this article on your webpage only if you keep in 100% intact with are link or link directly to it
Andre Leblanc has several years experience in the online dating and relationship field. Including implementation of new technology and creation of websites. Currently he is working on datingsas.com
Picture yourself at a bar with some of your buddies. Everybody is having a good time. Suddenly your friend stands up and asks you to go to the washroom with them.
Now if you were a female this would be totally normal you would gladly accept and probably talk up a storm in the washroom. But if you were a man being asked by another man you would feel embarrassed, wonder about your friends' sexuality and manlyhood and hope that the rest of the group doesn't think the same about you.
Why do woman use the washroom as a meeting place? Why do men always go to washroom alone? In the past when times where a bit simpler but more dangerous woman would never go to the washroom by themselves in fear of being attacked by a wild animal. Instead they would go out in packs so this way they could protect each other from possible threats. Therefore that is why they go to the washroom together as it is natural instinct.
On the other hand the man being the hunter and protector of the group would always go to the washroom by himself. Therefore asking another man to go to the washroom will make him look weak and unable to defend himself like one of the ladies. Although I'm sure a lot of woman can defend themselves better.
So what do woman talk about in the washroom. They pretty much talk about anything and anybody. They discuss which men they like and which men they don't, and any personal problems they are having or their friends. Therapy to anybody who looks's upset and cosmetics talk to any stranger who asks.
Men on the other hand don't talk to anybody. This is pretty much a universal unwritten rule. The further away they are from other men the better. Let's say there are a few urinal's the first man will choose the one at the end. Now the second man will choose the other one at the end. Never would you see a man pick one right beside another man when there are other ones further away.
Also most likely a man will take an enclosed toilet before he has to pee beside another man. One thing that men don't have a problem doing is farting, usually the louder and longer the better. For the ladies no farting is aloud. This once again brings us back to instincts for the men; the louder and stronger the better.
By: Andre Leblanc
Read more articles on relationship, sex and more at http://www.datingsas.com
You may use this article on your webpage only if you keep in 100% intact with are link or link directly to it
Andre Leblanc has several years experience in the online dating and relationship field. Including implementation of new technology and creation of websites. Currently he is working on datingsas.com
Essense of Infidelity
Essense of Infidelity
On one very popular web site there were 260 posts from both sexes commenting about forgiving and forgetting infidelities. I read every one of them. With one exception, the perception conveyed was that one party was an innocent victim of the other's philandering. It seemed to me that everyone was looking at adultery as a cause of marital discord. From my perspective, there are only rare exceptions to the fact that adultery, cheating, or affairs are SYMPTOMS of long standing marital problems. The cause occurred possibly even before the marriage vows were uttered.
Let's go back to the beginning of a relationship. What really happens before two people decide to get married? They have been dating and checking each other out. You all know that women do the choosing. Men respond to a woman's signals and a relationship moves forward at a pace governed by the woman's appetite. So how does a couple who is totally in love and committed to each other end up in the predicament dictated by an affair?
I think the predicament results from the general consensus of opinions and expectations generated by a marriage. In all of the posts that I read it seemed that "being married" automatically presupposed that fidelity is the most precious aspect of the marriage. It appears that everything that could go wrong would be tolerated, everything except infidelity. I do not support tolerating infidelity. What I'm wondering is what are the reasons that people actually get married? Do they get married because they are in love? Want to have sex? Want exclusivity? Want emotional, financial, sexual security? Want to have children? It seems like the thing to do? Or do they get married because they have found someone with whom they are career compatible, financially balanced, sexually attracted, intellectually well-matched, culturally congenial, religiously aligned, madly in love, with whom they want to procreate and raise children according to mutually agreeable standards? Do all people get married for the same reasons? I don't think so.
I believe that some people get married for love, some for lust, some for status, some for money, some for security, some for convenience, some to have children, some looking for parental guidance, some for business reasons etc. etc. And if that is true, why is it that everyone who gets married expects adherence to the same standards as far as fidelity is concerned? The expectation seems to be that everyone gets married for passionate, romantic love and fidelity is the highest value of marriage.
I don't presume to have all the answers, but possibly some suggestions as to the seeds of infidelity. Let's start with a couple who declare that they are in love and want to commit to each other. They are starry eyed and the state of "in love" creates a certain blindness and denial especially when this person seems to be almost perfectly aligned with the important values you have designated to be essential in the person you are going to marry. So this person lies to you about something or breaks a promise to you, or does something that totally violates your ethics, but you love him/her and he/she is so perfect otherwise. It's just a small thing and you can certainly tolerate a little thing like that. After all, you are getting married and that means you can work it out. Love conquers all. Here is the problem. Love doesn't solve anything. People come to agreement or negotiate boundaries and decide to be together because they want to be together. They choose marriage. I think the rules of marriage and the boundaries that each couple wants to live by must be negotiated. Obviously each and every scenario cannot be discussed ahead of time, but the individual standards of each partner in each marriage must be decided prior to the vows. When a woman/man settles (that includes compromises, tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to her/him, the bond is compromised. It makes it okay to do it again, whatever "it" is.
According to the Man/Woman Strategy that I subscribe to, women have the power in relationship and their job is to provide appetite, which challenges the man who loves her to produce results. The man who wants to please his woman will produce those results as long as she believes in him and respects him as the producer. The other component in this neat little package is the sex. Men will do anything for sex. Women love sex as much as men do; it's just not socially acceptable for them to say so. Men get their pleasure from a woman's pleasure and "most women lie to men about their satisfaction" which leads to the giant gap in the presumption that marriage presumes passionate, romantic love and fidelity are the highest values. Women on the whole are not able to maintain the level of energy and self esteem necessary to always validate for a man what sexually satisfies her. Thus the communication regarding sex gets distorted. Men, unless someone instructs them, can not be expected to know what areas of a woman's body are responsive to erotic touch. It's different for every woman (man too). So here's what happens. Women get pregnant. Pregnancy creates enormous changes in a woman's body and physiology, which at times do not make sex appealing. Women become mothers. Parenting, especially mothering is a 24-hour job, which includes massive sleep deprivation, and instincts, which consume even the most, prepared. Generally, both men and women have jobs, which consume time and energy. Women also feel responsible for the upkeep of the home. Not that men do not, but somehow for a woman five million years of homemaking has become instinctual. So what does this entire story mean? It means life gets in the way of relationship and unless some time and energy is devoted to the relationship as an entity, that state of "in love" that everyone marries into will disintegrate.
There are exceptions, but generally speaking most people do not intend to cheat on their spouse after the wedding nor do they intentionally pursue an affair. So here is how an affair begins. One or the other partner is not getting his/her needs met for whatever reasons. That person encounters someone at work, or at a party, or in the neighborhood, who notices him/her and sees something that attracts. There is nothing like a flirtation to restore a sense of self-esteem. Initially, the married person resists but enjoys the attention. That person then goes home to his/her spouse and hints that he/she needs more attention. The spouse at home who assumes that because they are married, everything is great and there is always time for taking care of the spouse later, ignores the hint That, my friends, is the beginning of the affair. When one partner seeks emotional or physical or intellectual support from someone of the opposite sex outside of the marriage, the seeds have been sown.
The marriage is taken for granted. The almighty wedding ring is supposed to be able to bind people to their vows automatically. This is the false presumption that leads us to the incorrigible statistic that 80% of marriages are affected by infidelity. Marriage doesn't work by itself. It takes two people who pay attention to each other's needs. It takes two people who believe in each other and validate each other. It takes two people who want to love each other and who continually approve of each other which allows the vulnerability necessary to be honest about their personal needs.
What should be done about reversing this destructive trend? Marriage encounters? Premarital counseling? Relationship coaching? Pre-marital coaching would be best. Determine if the person you are marrying meets your standards and that you are not just settling because he/she is almost what you want and you might not find anyone better. Second best would be to stop an affair before it happens. This could be accomplished by paying attention to your relationship and not taking anything for granted. Decreasing the number of affairs would probably make a difference in the divorce rate. Preventative would seem to be preferable, but some people need to get hit by a board before they wake up and realize they are in jeopardy. Ideas are welcome. What do you think are the cause and effect of infidelity?
Web site: www.gettingwhatyouwant.com
Buy my book www.HowToGetWhatYouWantFromYourManAnytime.com
Enroll in an e-course www.RomanceReentry.com
e-mail me at Susan@gettingwhatyouwant.com for a free consultation
"I help people who want sacred intimacy in a hot relationship, get what they want from each other so that they can experience more fun, more sex and less bickering!"
Susan Sheppard
GettingWhatYouWant.com
On one very popular web site there were 260 posts from both sexes commenting about forgiving and forgetting infidelities. I read every one of them. With one exception, the perception conveyed was that one party was an innocent victim of the other's philandering. It seemed to me that everyone was looking at adultery as a cause of marital discord. From my perspective, there are only rare exceptions to the fact that adultery, cheating, or affairs are SYMPTOMS of long standing marital problems. The cause occurred possibly even before the marriage vows were uttered.
Let's go back to the beginning of a relationship. What really happens before two people decide to get married? They have been dating and checking each other out. You all know that women do the choosing. Men respond to a woman's signals and a relationship moves forward at a pace governed by the woman's appetite. So how does a couple who is totally in love and committed to each other end up in the predicament dictated by an affair?
I think the predicament results from the general consensus of opinions and expectations generated by a marriage. In all of the posts that I read it seemed that "being married" automatically presupposed that fidelity is the most precious aspect of the marriage. It appears that everything that could go wrong would be tolerated, everything except infidelity. I do not support tolerating infidelity. What I'm wondering is what are the reasons that people actually get married? Do they get married because they are in love? Want to have sex? Want exclusivity? Want emotional, financial, sexual security? Want to have children? It seems like the thing to do? Or do they get married because they have found someone with whom they are career compatible, financially balanced, sexually attracted, intellectually well-matched, culturally congenial, religiously aligned, madly in love, with whom they want to procreate and raise children according to mutually agreeable standards? Do all people get married for the same reasons? I don't think so.
I believe that some people get married for love, some for lust, some for status, some for money, some for security, some for convenience, some to have children, some looking for parental guidance, some for business reasons etc. etc. And if that is true, why is it that everyone who gets married expects adherence to the same standards as far as fidelity is concerned? The expectation seems to be that everyone gets married for passionate, romantic love and fidelity is the highest value of marriage.
I don't presume to have all the answers, but possibly some suggestions as to the seeds of infidelity. Let's start with a couple who declare that they are in love and want to commit to each other. They are starry eyed and the state of "in love" creates a certain blindness and denial especially when this person seems to be almost perfectly aligned with the important values you have designated to be essential in the person you are going to marry. So this person lies to you about something or breaks a promise to you, or does something that totally violates your ethics, but you love him/her and he/she is so perfect otherwise. It's just a small thing and you can certainly tolerate a little thing like that. After all, you are getting married and that means you can work it out. Love conquers all. Here is the problem. Love doesn't solve anything. People come to agreement or negotiate boundaries and decide to be together because they want to be together. They choose marriage. I think the rules of marriage and the boundaries that each couple wants to live by must be negotiated. Obviously each and every scenario cannot be discussed ahead of time, but the individual standards of each partner in each marriage must be decided prior to the vows. When a woman/man settles (that includes compromises, tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to her/him, the bond is compromised. It makes it okay to do it again, whatever "it" is.
According to the Man/Woman Strategy that I subscribe to, women have the power in relationship and their job is to provide appetite, which challenges the man who loves her to produce results. The man who wants to please his woman will produce those results as long as she believes in him and respects him as the producer. The other component in this neat little package is the sex. Men will do anything for sex. Women love sex as much as men do; it's just not socially acceptable for them to say so. Men get their pleasure from a woman's pleasure and "most women lie to men about their satisfaction" which leads to the giant gap in the presumption that marriage presumes passionate, romantic love and fidelity are the highest values. Women on the whole are not able to maintain the level of energy and self esteem necessary to always validate for a man what sexually satisfies her. Thus the communication regarding sex gets distorted. Men, unless someone instructs them, can not be expected to know what areas of a woman's body are responsive to erotic touch. It's different for every woman (man too). So here's what happens. Women get pregnant. Pregnancy creates enormous changes in a woman's body and physiology, which at times do not make sex appealing. Women become mothers. Parenting, especially mothering is a 24-hour job, which includes massive sleep deprivation, and instincts, which consume even the most, prepared. Generally, both men and women have jobs, which consume time and energy. Women also feel responsible for the upkeep of the home. Not that men do not, but somehow for a woman five million years of homemaking has become instinctual. So what does this entire story mean? It means life gets in the way of relationship and unless some time and energy is devoted to the relationship as an entity, that state of "in love" that everyone marries into will disintegrate.
There are exceptions, but generally speaking most people do not intend to cheat on their spouse after the wedding nor do they intentionally pursue an affair. So here is how an affair begins. One or the other partner is not getting his/her needs met for whatever reasons. That person encounters someone at work, or at a party, or in the neighborhood, who notices him/her and sees something that attracts. There is nothing like a flirtation to restore a sense of self-esteem. Initially, the married person resists but enjoys the attention. That person then goes home to his/her spouse and hints that he/she needs more attention. The spouse at home who assumes that because they are married, everything is great and there is always time for taking care of the spouse later, ignores the hint That, my friends, is the beginning of the affair. When one partner seeks emotional or physical or intellectual support from someone of the opposite sex outside of the marriage, the seeds have been sown.
The marriage is taken for granted. The almighty wedding ring is supposed to be able to bind people to their vows automatically. This is the false presumption that leads us to the incorrigible statistic that 80% of marriages are affected by infidelity. Marriage doesn't work by itself. It takes two people who pay attention to each other's needs. It takes two people who believe in each other and validate each other. It takes two people who want to love each other and who continually approve of each other which allows the vulnerability necessary to be honest about their personal needs.
What should be done about reversing this destructive trend? Marriage encounters? Premarital counseling? Relationship coaching? Pre-marital coaching would be best. Determine if the person you are marrying meets your standards and that you are not just settling because he/she is almost what you want and you might not find anyone better. Second best would be to stop an affair before it happens. This could be accomplished by paying attention to your relationship and not taking anything for granted. Decreasing the number of affairs would probably make a difference in the divorce rate. Preventative would seem to be preferable, but some people need to get hit by a board before they wake up and realize they are in jeopardy. Ideas are welcome. What do you think are the cause and effect of infidelity?
Web site: www.gettingwhatyouwant.com
Buy my book www.HowToGetWhatYouWantFromYourManAnytime.com
Enroll in an e-course www.RomanceReentry.com
e-mail me at Susan@gettingwhatyouwant.com for a free consultation
"I help people who want sacred intimacy in a hot relationship, get what they want from each other so that they can experience more fun, more sex and less bickering!"
Susan Sheppard
GettingWhatYouWant.com
Your Relationships Begin With You
Your Relationships Begin With You
As a single male in my mid-twenties, I find myself consciously and unconsciously thinking about and searching for that special someone. My goal has always been to be friends with my future wife for at least a year, date for a year, engaged for a year, which includes being married by the time I'm thirty.
This goal may seem far-fetched and I admit it is, so I'm open to altering it. I know what I want in a future spouse (I think) and I definitely know what I don't want. But the older I get, the more I realize that the challenge to find someone who fits what I want and what I don't want seems like "mission: impossible." My impatience steps in which seems to prolong my wait to meet this future wife of mine.
Occasionally, I reflect on the thought that she is out there somewhere so I wonder what she is doing at that very moment and if she is thinking of me. As much as I am actively trying to find someone, I'm reminded by my friends how they found their special someone when they were least expecting to. I have to remind myself and know that God will introduce me to her and reveal who she is when we are both ready.
So does that mean I'm not ready? I think I am, but at times I have my doubts. Maybe she isn't ready, which could mean that she is doing something to better herself for our relationship. I'll always go back to the question of if I'm ready or not. How will I know? I believe the answer lies in how I respond to the following questions:
I ask myself if I'm financially ready. Who is? I graduated college a couple of years ago and have already went through two career changes and I have been laid off. Needless to say, my checkbook is nowhere near where I want it to be, I won't even mention credit cards. So I need to think more about saving for my future, buying a house, and paying off some bills. After all, I don't want to drag her into my debt and spending habits. I know that I need to better myself in regards to finances.
I ask myself, am I physically fit and attractive? The honest answer is that I'm not in as good of shape as I'd like to be and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know I need to join a gym, look online for articles about cooking healthier for bachelors, and watch how many times I go out to eat. What is a better motivator to working out besides looking good for yourself and gaining that confidence, than wanting to look good for your significant other? After all, I hope my wife is attracted to me as I am to her.
I ask myself, am I smart? With a college degree I think so, until I watch shows like Jeopardy or play board games with friends and I realize that I still have a lot to learn. I am thinking of going back to school. After all, I want my wife to think I'm intelligent.
I ask myself if I'm in the spiritual place with God that I want to be. Do I attend church every week? Do I read the Bible each day? Am I asking more from God than I am thanking Him during prayer? Am I a good example for others and am I teaching them about God? After all, I hope my future wife and I can pray together and maybe take a leadership role in a youth group.
I ask myself, am I happy as an individual? A relationship can bring happiness and fill the void of being alone, but should I put that burden on my future wife? If you are comfortable being yourself, being happy alone and don't need someone, that is a step in the right direction. I believe that needing someone to fill a void and wanting someone to fill a void are two entirely different things. This is why your relationships begin with you. After all, if you don't love yourself, then how do you expect someone else to?
"Happiness depends upon ourselves" ~ Aristotle
When you fulfill the above aspects of your life to an acceptable extent - then watch out, your future spouse may just be at the local bookstore, in the gym, at church, at work, at school, or at the bank. I don't expect to be able to accomplish each of these things in the next four years, but I will always strive to do so. After all, I hope she will always strive to do the same. And most of all, I hope we will continue to strive to do these things together!
Chad J. Bring is a rising author who just published his first novel, "Left Standing" in addition to co-writing a screenplay for an independent film through their RoomMate Productions film production company.
As a single male in my mid-twenties, I find myself consciously and unconsciously thinking about and searching for that special someone. My goal has always been to be friends with my future wife for at least a year, date for a year, engaged for a year, which includes being married by the time I'm thirty.
This goal may seem far-fetched and I admit it is, so I'm open to altering it. I know what I want in a future spouse (I think) and I definitely know what I don't want. But the older I get, the more I realize that the challenge to find someone who fits what I want and what I don't want seems like "mission: impossible." My impatience steps in which seems to prolong my wait to meet this future wife of mine.
Occasionally, I reflect on the thought that she is out there somewhere so I wonder what she is doing at that very moment and if she is thinking of me. As much as I am actively trying to find someone, I'm reminded by my friends how they found their special someone when they were least expecting to. I have to remind myself and know that God will introduce me to her and reveal who she is when we are both ready.
So does that mean I'm not ready? I think I am, but at times I have my doubts. Maybe she isn't ready, which could mean that she is doing something to better herself for our relationship. I'll always go back to the question of if I'm ready or not. How will I know? I believe the answer lies in how I respond to the following questions:
I ask myself if I'm financially ready. Who is? I graduated college a couple of years ago and have already went through two career changes and I have been laid off. Needless to say, my checkbook is nowhere near where I want it to be, I won't even mention credit cards. So I need to think more about saving for my future, buying a house, and paying off some bills. After all, I don't want to drag her into my debt and spending habits. I know that I need to better myself in regards to finances.
I ask myself, am I physically fit and attractive? The honest answer is that I'm not in as good of shape as I'd like to be and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know I need to join a gym, look online for articles about cooking healthier for bachelors, and watch how many times I go out to eat. What is a better motivator to working out besides looking good for yourself and gaining that confidence, than wanting to look good for your significant other? After all, I hope my wife is attracted to me as I am to her.
I ask myself, am I smart? With a college degree I think so, until I watch shows like Jeopardy or play board games with friends and I realize that I still have a lot to learn. I am thinking of going back to school. After all, I want my wife to think I'm intelligent.
I ask myself if I'm in the spiritual place with God that I want to be. Do I attend church every week? Do I read the Bible each day? Am I asking more from God than I am thanking Him during prayer? Am I a good example for others and am I teaching them about God? After all, I hope my future wife and I can pray together and maybe take a leadership role in a youth group.
I ask myself, am I happy as an individual? A relationship can bring happiness and fill the void of being alone, but should I put that burden on my future wife? If you are comfortable being yourself, being happy alone and don't need someone, that is a step in the right direction. I believe that needing someone to fill a void and wanting someone to fill a void are two entirely different things. This is why your relationships begin with you. After all, if you don't love yourself, then how do you expect someone else to?
"Happiness depends upon ourselves" ~ Aristotle
When you fulfill the above aspects of your life to an acceptable extent - then watch out, your future spouse may just be at the local bookstore, in the gym, at church, at work, at school, or at the bank. I don't expect to be able to accomplish each of these things in the next four years, but I will always strive to do so. After all, I hope she will always strive to do the same. And most of all, I hope we will continue to strive to do these things together!
Chad J. Bring is a rising author who just published his first novel, "Left Standing" in addition to co-writing a screenplay for an independent film through their RoomMate Productions film production company.
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